"Self-control"

I was ranting to my friend, Matt, the other day about how he left me standing right next to my temptation. I was talking to him about it in more of a joking way, because it was hard standing there like that, but it wasn't anything I knew I couldn't handle. However, the person standing next to Matt, we'll name that friend Joyce, started commenting on my rant. In fact, she was more ranting at me saying that I act and talked as though I had less self-control than I really do. She brought in the idea that I had subconsciously used this as an excuse to give into my temptation.
I'm going to be honest, I thought that this was an interesting idea. However, that statement seemed very harsh and didn't seem true. My friend, we'll name her Stevie, said, 'I think it's more it hurts to be in that situation, then her subconsciously thinking she has less self-control.'
Now, that struck home. See, if I have learned anything recently it's that living for God is the hardest thing you will ever have to do and to be honest, you probably will not receive many rewards in this life-time for it. That is just the point though, we aren't suppose to be living for this life, we are suppose to be looking forward to Heaven and spending it with Christ. It's a very hard life to live, especially when no one around you seems to understand, that's why God gave us the Holy Spirit. The Bible doesn't talk about Him very much, but He is so vital to our faith. John 14:16-17, "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you."

He lives!

My Savior lives! Doesn't that just blow your mind? How much about God is true based on that one statement? It means that God is active and working in lives around the world right now. He's not a thing of the past or irrelevant to life today because He's alive.
I've heard numerous songs that God is alive, for example Aaron Shust's song "My Savior, My God" and heard people talk about God that way. However, it has never really clicked with me until now. Just think about all the things we can do knowing that God is alive. We can live without any hesitations to obey Him, the lives we can touch and the differences we can make, it's incredible.
I really like the verse Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Chirst and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." I realize that that verse is a bit out of context here, but really, the implications that that verse makes is just astounding. Having a God who is alive and active in our daily lives is definately a blessing that none of us should take for granted or underexacerate.

God Kills

I cried a lot of tears that came straight from the heart of a girl who let Her God kill her today. These past few weeks have tough, the way it always is when you deny your God. However, I did do as He said, but not nearly quick enough. I had numerous opportunities to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Him, but I knew that that would "kill" me, so I actively choose not to.
Everyday that I made that choice to reject Him I would feel like I was doing nothing wrong while I was doing wrong, but as soon as I stopped I turned and everywhere there were signs saying, "Laura, I, your God, am telling you what to do. Why do you deny Me?" I heard Him very clearly at night and every night I would make the choice to do what He told me to, but of course the next morning I would immediately do it. I forgot the signs and lost my decision.
Finally, a week ago it got to the point of overflowing pain and with teary eyes I destroyed the very thing I had built my life around.
I've cried a lot lately, the kind of heart-aching cries where there are no tears just pain. It hurts to kill yourself, but it's something that as Christians we have to do, we can't have two masters. In the Bible Christ said this during the Sermon on the Mount. Luke 16:13, "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." He used the example of money, but this two masters thing applies to all aspects of life, whether friends, family, drugs, success, everything. We have to make an active choice to put God first and we have to learn to let Him kill us because it's the only way to truly live.

Culture

Culture is an interesting thing, and I would love to study it, but not in a classroom. I was walking through the courtyard at school thinking of all the possibilities of classes I have for next year. I'm sure Spanish 4 deals a lot with culture and that it would be very interesting, but I just have no desire to learn about the culture of a country from a textbook. I want to live, I want to experience it!

I am very interested in the world right now. I love languages, and how people in other parts of the world live their lives and interact with various people fascinates me. I would truly enjoy traveling the global and learning all I can about each and every individual country. I would spend all my life doing that, if I had the money for such a life-style.

When I really stop and think about it no two countries are the same, just like no two people are the same. It's kind of difficult to imagine how we all got to be so far apart in technology and governments when we all started from the same humble position, yet through out the millenniums the world has become a completely different place everywhere you turn. Each country has it's own individual history, it's own people, and it's own language.

I don't think I'll learn a culture from a textbook, they really isn't the way to do it. It's one thing to read about someone who has lived an incredible life and something completely different to experience it for yourself. I love the world and the people in it and I want to meet them and really get to know them, not be told a stereotype. When I'm older and have flown the nest I pray that I will have the blessing of traveling the world and learning all about the various cultures it has.

Worship

Worship is by dictionary definition, "the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration of a deity". It is declaring the worth of something. It is not at all about us. It is about how much we love and need God. Worship reflects our relationship with God, it is not our entire relationship with Him. An example of worship includes S.M. Lockridge's "That's My King" message. I recommend you look it up and listen to it, it really does create an impact.

Worship is something that has always been and always will be very important. The Bible even commands us to do it. Psalm 148:5 and 13, "Let them praise the name of the LORD, for he commanded an they were created. Let them praise the name of the LORD, for his name alone is exalted; his splendor is above the earth and the heavens." We were created to worship God with our whole being. Have you ever worshiped God with such passion that you saw nothing else around you? If you have you know that it's in those moments you feel most alive, when you feel the most complete. For those of you that haven't, that's how it feels, it's the most incredible feeling that's ever been experienced here on Earth, it's incomparable. So, what's stopping us from always worshiping God with that passion?

A lot of us live in a self-absorbed state. We tend to ask the question, "How does this benefit me?". Worship just isn't about us, it's God who is the audience, so it's the completely wrong approach to worship. We also concentrate so much on the music and those around us that we get nervous about really letting ourselves go to God. We look around at others around us and feel like they are all watching us, for that I recommend you go to a separate area by yourself so that you can just be alone with God and not have to worry about all the others.

Backing Off

My friend Nick and I haven't really talked since he said that I can't trust him enough to date. Usually us not talking doesn't bother me, it just annoys me when other people talk about how close they are with him. However, the other day when a group of us went to play basketball it was the first time we had seen each other in months. I don't know why, but it really bothered me that we had lost contact. It bothered me to the point where we had to call a timeout because I was crying. He told me that he loved me and that he was a fool for not being there for me anymore, but I really didn't buy it.

I felt so awful because I didn't trust a word that Nick said. I've started thinking that Nick is merely being polite towards me and is perfectly contend with us being acquaintances. And if that's how he wants us to be, fine, I'm not going to pressure him into being friends with me, I wouldn't do that to anyone. It's his choice and I have to leave in God's hands because I really don't want to lose Nick as a friend. He means too much to me, he's helped me with so much and I just have to leave it to God because I know that if I don't, I'll completely mess everything up. I have to pray this prayer to God often so that I don't ever forget that it is not me who can handle the trouble of life, but Christ, my Savior. Psalm 40:11-13, "Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.

God's Timing

I've never had difficulty being patient, but recently, I have been struggling with letting everything happen in God's time. I so often cry out to Him, 'Why God? Why am I having to wait for what I want? Why does everyone around me have a significant other and I have just me?' Many days I find myself having to stop what I am doing because my desires are so strong. I know that God has perfect timing and that's why things are done, in His time and not mine. Just like it says in Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time, He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from the beginning to end." I just have to wait and be patient. It will be more beautiful if I wait for God's timing then I can release all the passion I'm holding in my heart for that one that special person. It will be better than I could ever imagine and one hundred percent worth the long, hard wait. If I don't have a lot of little relationships then my marriage and the few relationships before my marriage will be that much sweeter.
I've gone through a complete heart change, I use to constantly be in a relationship, or at least my heart has always yearned for one, but all that's given me is heartache. I need my heart to yearn for something that won't let me down. That's why I've changed what I want to something that will be better for me in the long run. However, just because I have changed what I want doesn't mean that my heart has changed what it wants. Basically, that means that it won't be easy, but I know that if I constantly pray to God to help me with this He will because He want to give me strength in my weakness. Psalm 68:35, "You are awesome, O God, in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people. Praise be to God!"

Biopsy

When I was younger there was always a certain mole on my neck that I didn't want. I would always say that I wanted it to be removed, I hated it. I thought it looked so stupid and that everybody secretly laughed at me for it. The years have passed and to be honest, I have started to like it, quite a bit actually. I feel like it's a part of me and that it made me beautiful, it almost felt like a trademark to me. One day, when I went to the dermatologist the doctor said that it looked suspicious for cancer and that we should remove it. It was rather sad to hear, but I would rather have it removed than have cancer, so we set up an appointment.
Today is the day that the appointment was set for and I was extremely nervous. They numbed the area with a local anesthesia, which was rather painful to be honest. Then they started the procedure. I couldn't see what they were doing, but I could hear the sound of scissors and a buzzing noise, it was terrifying. The biopsy lasted about 5 minutes and it felt really short, but not that short. The biopsy itself wasn't that bad, it just feels like a blow to me to loose that mole. I know that sounds silly, but I really started to get attached to it and it's weird to think about how I won't ever have it again. However, the good news is that I won't have cancer because of it. For me, it brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone.' I've really learned to appreciate everything about me because God made me just the way I am for a reason. And to Him every part of me is beautiful, even the parts that I hate.

Starry Night

It was 4 o'clock in the morning and here I was in a freezing cold pool with a few of my best friends. One of my friends looked up at the sky and said, "Look at the stars!" I looked up and was memorized by the beauty of nature. There was a few stars sparkling against the night sky. Seeing the stars and really looking at them took me back to the last time I did this. Last time it made me feel so small compared to the vastness of the universe, however tonight it caused me to feel something different. Tonight I felt important and very special in God's eyes. My friends started to splash each other and I thought about how God knows their futures. One of my friends, we'll name her Hope, is moving away in a couple of weeks. We're all sad about it, but those stars reminded me how Hope is always in God's thoughts. That doesn't just apply to Hope, it is just as relevant to all of His other stars. The lyrics to the song "God Is Watching Over You" ring so true, the chorus goes as following:
God is watching over you as always
You are loved whatever you go through
He's right beside you
God is watching over you as always
And if you think He'll ever leave you
You'd better think again
I've said it before, but I can't say it enough, trust God with all you are. He placed you in your part of the sky for a reason, all you have to do is let your starlight shine for all to see, stare, and be memorized in the amazement of your beauty.

God: Merciful Judge

James 4:12, "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?"
For me that verse means that Jesus makes the final decision and He loves the people I care so much about so He's going to makes the right choice. And, no one will sway Him from His decision or influence it, nor is anyone ever going to be able to interfere with it being carried out. The reason for that is that not only is Jesus the Judge, but He is also the executioner.

Romans 9:16, "So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy."
What is in store for those people who I am deeply concerned about is not up to me at all. I have nothing to do with what happens to them. I can pray, plead, and cry before God for them, but that's it. I feel like a bystander in a court room running up before the Judge begging Him o have mercy on these poor souls, to spare them from the pain that I know all to well. I know it would teach them a lesson, but I pray they don't have to learn it this way. It's been over a year since I was where they are and I still feel and notice the effects of learning this lesson the hard way. Thankfully I stand before a merciful and just Judge who doesn't want them hurt anymore than I do. He's going to do what's best for them beyond what I can see.

Guys

The following is a rant that I wrote when I was extremely frustrated with the actions of this girl I have heard about. Remember, these are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.

She can not trust him! He has already told his friend everything she has confided in him and it wasn't even that long ago that she told him!

He's ridiculous they both are if they think that confiding in each other will build their relationship. The more you put in to it the more you'll hurt when it's over. Confiding in a romantic relationship is really more for married couples, if you start doing that now you aren't getting ready for marriage you are practicing divorce. Yes, relationships are built on trust, but trust takes time and you have to get to know someone first. When I say that I mean knowing them as a friend for at least a year so that you can see their true character. Maybe she thinks she can trust him, but that's because he's putting on a mask to keep her. He acts trustworthy, but then turns around and tells his friends everything and they laugh about it. No offense to her, honestly, but she's an idiot in this sense and needs to learn a lot about boys and dating relationships. They should both read "Dateable". She is going to learn a lot though when he dumps her because she'll be so hurt. I'm going to start praying for her too.

How could he do that to her, having her tell him private things? He's manipulating her! That shows even more how inconsiderate, immature, and unchivalrous he is! Why does he even need to know that kind of stuff? He doesn't he just wants to and is being his ridiculous and selfish self! I really don't understand this; actually I think I might. He's being an extremely stupid and immature male who needs to mature and have a heart in God and not in worthless worldly things.

Girls like him because he says all the things they want to hear, but all that means it that he has perfected his words on other girls and they are empty! To him it is just a game and nothing more.


The guy I'm talking about in this rant admitted that the last paragraph was true. Now, I'm not saying that all guys are like this, I'm not saying that at all. All I am saying is that girls need to be extremely careful with guys and their tricky ways. Also, guys, it would be greatly appreciated by every girl I know if you wouldn't mess with our emotions, and that you would be very careful with our hearts.

Hope

A couple of days ago I heard some news from someone extremely close to me that shook my world. I heard from that person that they might have pancreas cancer and if they does it could be fatal. To be honest, I didn't handle that news well. I started sobbing and my breaths were shallow and I cried all day. The next day my body subconsciously started to prepare for the worse, my body had already accepted the fact that she's gone and was starting to get over it when my friend, Tanya, might not have the cancer.
I feel depressed because she's not a Christian. I talked about this with Nick and he reminded me that God has the whole world in His hands and God loves Tanya more than I do. God doesn't want to lose Tanya either, He wants her in Heaven and God can change her heart. God can draw her into Him, He can do it and I can't. That's still a very difficult thing for me to accept, but I can't deny it. God created the universe and everything happening is done out of His will and is for His glory. God will do what brings Him glory and if that includes saving Tanya then she will become a Christian. It's comforting to know that God has it all in His hands and that He hears our prayers so, please pray for her, I'm begging you. Please pray that God changes her heart and that she becomes a Christian and also pray that she doesn't have cancer.
Revelation 4:11, "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."

Change

I firmly believe people can change, I don't think there's anyone in the world who's heart can't be changed by God. However, I also think that you have to be very careful when people say and act like they've changed, especially if they've deceived you in the past. I say that because for all you know they're putting up an act to impress you or win back your friendship, the only way to tell whether or not they have really changed is patience. If they are just putting up an act then after awhile they won't be able to keep it up anymore and go back to showing you who they really are.
Lately I have been believing that someone I know has changed, that person is Joe. He's chivalrous now, he really reminds me a lot of Nick and it's just been incredible. When Joe first started acting this way I was really skeptical, so one night I prayed to God to show me that Joe had really changed or if he was just faking it. I prayed that God would have Joe not do a particular sin that Joe does quite often and the next day Joe didn't do it. I was completely amazed and so excited because that erased all my skepticism.
You have to be so careful though with people changing because if you just believe them they can easily deceive you again. Remember 1 John 3:20, "whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than hearts, and he knows everything." God knows everything, so He knows if people are just putting up an act and He will help us to see that if we let Him.

Hurting

Ever since I realized it hurts to care I haven't been happy inside like I usually am, instead I have been sad. It's not that I can't be happy and have fun it's that whenever I am not with certain people inside of me feels sad. I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be out in the world evangelizing. I want to go to foreign countries and spread the Word of God, however it's more than that. I also don't to live anymore, don't get me wrong I'm not suicidal. I like being with some people in particular, but other than that I don't want to be on Earth anymore. I want to be in Heaven right now, but I'm not and that means that God isn't done using me yet. I have to lay all these burdens on Him and do His will to the best of my ability and He will help me. 2 Samuel 22:33, "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my ways perfect." This is really new for me though which is all the more reason to lean on Christ who knows what it is like when I feel like I just want to be in Heaven. I have to keep praying and keep remembering that God says that it wouldn't be easy and having a hard time doing something means I'm growing in my walk.

Surrender

The other night I was sitting in bed listening the the radio, as I was listening a song came on and I started to sing along with it. I don't remember even what the song was but it left a big impression on me as I sang. While I was singing I felt my heart surrendering to God and tears flooded my eyes. When the song ended I started praying a prayer with more emotion than I have ever prayed before. I cried to God that I can't do it on my own and I know that now, I know that I have to give it all up to Him. I prayed for everyone near to me by name and ways I prayed God would help them. I also prayed for those I don't know, those hurting, and those being persecuted for their faith in Christ. The other night is the night that I finally learned what it meant to be broken, what it meant to come crying to God. I will never forget it because after I cried out to Him and surrendered all my burdens to Him I felt so freed and I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

Caring

Have you ever cared so much it hurt? I can honestly say that as of today, I have. In case you need me to, let me define 'caring so much it hurts'. What I mean by that is that my heart feels heavy with all my caring, everyday I see people throwing their lives away on silly mistakes. It hurts so much to see them make those silly choices that I cry because I love them all so much and I worry about them. I think this is the caring that Christ has for us, I think I'm experiencing what Christ feels for us, at least more than I have before. I mean, I don't just feel this way for people I'm friends with but also for the people struggling who's conversations I overhear while passing by. My heart goes out to those hurting and have a broken heart or dealing with addictions, a huge reason for that is because of my Uncle John.
1 Thessalonians 2:6b-8, "As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." Those verses describe exactly what I'm going through, word for word almost. I have to learn that I can't save the world, which is really hard for me. I have to remember that only Christ can heal broken spirits and He can save people just like He saved me. He doesn't need my help and I am so honored that He lets me be a piece in His plan. Not only that, but these are also the times when we grow closer to God, which is what I learned this Easter.
Exodus 15:2, "The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him."

Crazy

I have been friends with a boy, who we will name Mike, for a quite a few months now. We've gotten a long alright, I've always thought he was great, but also a little odd. It turns out that ever since I met him he's been testing me and 'picking' at me in different ways. Apparently every year he chooses someone to help, by help he means that he finds out someone's greatest weakness and attempts to fix it. He has done this for three years now and has determined me as a complete success.
He had determined my greatest weakness as my lack of self-confidence, so these past months he's been challenging me in multiple ways to see if I improve in that area. Not only would he test me but he would also talk to me about how I need to stand-up for myself more and it wasn't until a few days ago that I actually did. It was really exciting and I now see Mike completely different. I see him as a guy who really cares about people and likes to help them out. I see him as someone who is very smart and can really understand someone and find things they can improve on. However, not only can he find the weakness but he can also find a way to help them improve it. I've never seen anyone do that before and I think that's really incredible.

Love

Love is a word that people use all the time, it is also a word that can easily be misunderstood when used in English. For example you could say, "I love you" to a friend of the opposite gender and mean you love them as a friends, but they could accidentally take it in a romantic sense. The Greek, however, were very smart and had multiple words for love, a different word for all the senses of the word. The most commonly used and recognized is agape meaning unconditional, unselfish, and undeserved love. Agape is the way that God loves us and I believe that only He deserves agape and is the only that can fully give it.
Besides agape there are three other Greek words for love. Storge is family love, philia is friendship love, and eros is romantic love. I really like that the Greek had all these words for love because love is the greatest thing on earth. It's one of the things that the human soul longs for the most. I think that we should say I love you to those that we do love often, whether it be storge, philia, or even eros because it just means so much to hear those three words. And I want you to know that my heart is filled with philia for you and I pray that your heart is being filled with agape for God.

Getting A Rise

People often times mess with people to get a reaction, and they enjoy doing that. It's very easy to give them the reaction they're looking for, but you can't give them that satisfaction. It's really difficult to ignore those people when they are annoying you, trust me I know, but you have to. It's so much easier to react and yell at them or try to talk to them about it. However you have to listen to me when I say it's not worth it. If they are going to be rude to you then they aren't worth your time. God made you special and you deserve incredible friends that love you and don't treat you like dirt. When people treat you poorly remember the intensity of God's love for you and understand that the Lord of lords and King of kings wouldn't want you to let anyone treat you that way.
Psalm 139:14, "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Adventure

Life with God in control is like a never-ending adventure jam-packed with excitement. The adventure does go through rough patches, but then there are those times when you feel God is so close that it's breath-taking. Those times trump the bad times and make it all worth it, however the reason we follow God can slip away during the hard times. During those hard times we have to remember that God is still there and wants to carry us, like it says in the song I Will Carry You by Amy Grant. God's strength is more than enough to see us through the difficult times and He wants to carry us, so why don't we let Him?
We don't let Him because we think He's abandoned us, however it's the opposite. The times that pull us away from God are meant to draw us closer. It's like what I said yesterday it's during the extremely hard times that we understand Him. No matter where you are in the adventure right now, pray to God asking Him to remind you that He is always there and never stops caring, no matter how much we believe otherwise.