God Kills

I cried a lot of tears that came straight from the heart of a girl who let Her God kill her today. These past few weeks have tough, the way it always is when you deny your God. However, I did do as He said, but not nearly quick enough. I had numerous opportunities to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Him, but I knew that that would "kill" me, so I actively choose not to.
Everyday that I made that choice to reject Him I would feel like I was doing nothing wrong while I was doing wrong, but as soon as I stopped I turned and everywhere there were signs saying, "Laura, I, your God, am telling you what to do. Why do you deny Me?" I heard Him very clearly at night and every night I would make the choice to do what He told me to, but of course the next morning I would immediately do it. I forgot the signs and lost my decision.
Finally, a week ago it got to the point of overflowing pain and with teary eyes I destroyed the very thing I had built my life around.
I've cried a lot lately, the kind of heart-aching cries where there are no tears just pain. It hurts to kill yourself, but it's something that as Christians we have to do, we can't have two masters. In the Bible Christ said this during the Sermon on the Mount. Luke 16:13, "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." He used the example of money, but this two masters thing applies to all aspects of life, whether friends, family, drugs, success, everything. We have to make an active choice to put God first and we have to learn to let Him kill us because it's the only way to truly live.